Mimosa Mama

Wednesday

What’s in a name?

I was talking to a girl at work yesterday who is pregnant.  Not just any pregnant, but one of those uber cute types of pregnant that makes you want to rub her belly.

Anyway, we got to talking about names, because it’s like against the law not to discuss the naming of the brat when you’re talking to pregnant chicks.  She’s having a girl, and her name shall be Ella.

Ella.  Isn’t that one of the prettiest names on the planet?  It even tastes pretty on my tongue!

Earlier in the day I had come across the name Ruby, and it had me thinking about how knowing someone of a certain name just ruins it for you.  Years ago I worked with a Ruby who was a raging bitch, and if not for her I would probably like that name.  Now when I hear it or see it I think of a rather large and angry woman who really needs to pluck her eyebrows.  I would not only not name a child Ruby, but somehow like your child a little less if you did.  (crap – totally just remembered a really cool Ruby who made me think the name is groovy again – man I’m fickle!)

Mendy, our pregnant chick, said she was considering Bella, a name she liked, but she has a friend who has named her dog Bella.  Understandably she doesn’t want the two to get confused, so she dropped the B.

Hmmm, maybe I could get a really ugly dog and name her Ruby.

Parents these days get pretty hung up on making sure their child’s name is original.  Having grown up with 5 other Beckys in every class I ever had, I can appreciate that.  But they go too far.

If you get too original then you condemn your child to a lifetime of repeating their name, and having to spell it out.  Stick with something the rest of the planet has a shot of having heard before.  And for God’s sake, make sure it identifies the gender.

I feel bad for people with unisex names, names that belong to both genders, like Kelly, Gene, Riley, Bailey, Devin, Morgan, Blair…. I could go on and on.  They are condemned to a life of people saying Mr. when it should be Mrs., or the other way around.  What’s worse is if they get all huffy about it, as if every Kelly on the planet is a man.  Dude, it’s not my fault your mother is an evil bitch.  Get out of my grill.

I even know a woman named Mike.  That’s her real name.  And she’s a hell of a golfer, which makes sense with such a masculine name.  Actually she’s not really manly, but can you imagine the hell her life has been due to a name like that?

And so, when I achieve full global domination, we shall convene a council of names, where we deliberate until we have a long list of acceptable baby names that you must choose from, complete with which gender they belong to.  And though it will not be against the law to name outside of the book, you will not be able to claim that child as a tax credit if you do.  This will be your penance for the lifetime of hell you burden your child with.

Man, sometimes I’m just a fucking genius!