Mimosa Mama

Wednesday

Today I am struck by what a horrible woman I make.  Not like bad person kind of horrible (you could successfully argue this point, but that’s not what I’m talkin’ bout here).  Like there’s this whole culture of shit out there that I’m suppose to care about but don’t kind of horrible.

My wallet is falling apart.  A wallet I bought on ebay.

I abhor shopping.  Braving the weather, finding a parking spot, fighting the crowds, waiting in lines, the whole bit.  So I find ebay a beautiful invention.  I can sit in my jammies, without showering or brushing my teeth, and browse an almost infinite selection of exactly what I’m looking for, all the while drinking my coffee and waiting for my glorious wave to relieve me of yesterday’s chow and energize me for the day.

Plus, there’s some sort of sick thrill I get placing a bid in the last few seconds and beating some bitch on the other side of the country.  Oh!  Added bonus – getting a package in the mail is like Christmas.  Sometimes, if I am bidding after too many mimosas, I can forget that I bought something, and when it comes in the mail it truly is like getting a surprise gift, exactly what I wanted, from someone else!

But I digress.  I bought the kind of wallet that was leather on the outside, but vinyl on the inside.  Duh.  The vinyl is now doing what vinyl does, falling apart, and I intend to make the next one all leather.

And so, for about the last week or so, I’ve been browsing the thousands that are available on ebay, and I’m telling you there’s a lot you can learn from this exercise.

First things first.

Brands.

There are obviously some brands of women’s accessories that I was not aware of, or didn’t realize how expensive they are if I did.

I’ll start with Coach.  This is a brand I was aware of, I mean, who isn’t?  What with Coach insisting on putting those gaudy C’s all over their stuff.  What’s the point of that?  Is it because the C’s are attractive?  Nope.  They just busy up the canvas in an attempt to scream to the planet, “Look at me!  I have enough money to buy a COACH!  Do you see my COACH?  It’s genuine COACH!  See all the C’s?  That’s right.  I got money enough for a real COACH!  Take that, you whore!”

To me, it’s the trashy kind of thing that a person does when they’ve never had money and they win the lottery.  It just tries too hard to impress.  As such, I find Coach bags and accessories to be tacky.

Well, most of them.  I do own a Coach purse (that I bought on ebay).  You see, I do trust the brand to be of high quality, which I value above all else, and I found one that is plain leather on the outside.  Plain Jane.  Just my style.  Ya, it’s got those stupid C’s on the inside liner, but from there all it can do is whisper its name, and nobody hears or cares what brand my purse is.

Same thing goes for the Michael Kors bags, which I didn’t know about until recently.  They’ve got these MK’s all over, I think in imitation of the whole C thing.  I have a girlfriend (whom I’ll call “Shelly”) who showed me her new MK pocked bag, extremely proud, in a, “Look what I’ve got!” kinda way.  I’d never heard of Michael Kors, but having sold cosmetics in my past, I asked her, “Why do you have a Mary Kay bag?”

“It’s Michael Kors, bitch!” (she’s real nasty like that)

I think she thought I was being snotty (who, me?), but my question was sincere.  Now, when I see her bag, I imagine it’s screaming, “Michael Kors Bitch!” and I think they should add a B behind the MK.

The new brand I’ve learned about in the last few days is Dooney & Bourke.  I imagine there are lots of people who already know about that one, but it’s new to me.  I’m leaning towards this brand, because unlike some of the others, it whispers its name subtly, and the way these bitches are bidding on them, I imagine it’s a worthy, quality kind of product.

Beyond brand, it cracks me up to see all the bling that women like on their accessories.

Again, I like my stuff to whisper.  Screaming, whether it’s clothes, jackets, or the purse you throw over your shoulder, just reminds me of some white trailer trash who won the lottery and wants the world to know they have class, which ironically means they don’t.

There’s shit that’s just COVERED in bling, silver(like) medallions, bright shiny buttons, 4 inch clasps and the like.

And the shit that’s intended to appeal to the cowgirls are the worst.  Big cow-ish print n stuff.  Garish.

When I see busy print, I automatically think of Peg Bundy, and I have a severe aversion to seeming like some middle aged woman in mid life crisis.

There’s a lot of loud, hideous stuff on ebay, stuff people are actually bidding on.  But then, there are a lot of middle aged women on the planet looking for their shit to scream something.

So what will I end up with?  Not sure yet.  Like I said, I’m leaning towards the Dooney & Bourke bullshit, but spending $40 or more on a wallet makes my butthole contract, and valuing a good poop like I do, I can scarcely afford to keep that thing shut up tight.

I had a bid going on the perfect wallet this past weekend, but ended up losing it due to an ill timed fight on Facebook with our county Sheriff.  Asshole.

My hope is that sometime after Christmas the market will be flooded with unwanted wallets, and I’ll find a good deal.

So I’ll keep on watching the bids, and learning some of the things I should care about, if I were any kind of woman at all.  Which I’m clearly not.