Mimosa Mama

Monday

Ya, these Lexus commercials are really starting to piss me off.  You know the ones.  The wife gives the husband a box, or vice versa, and the box starts playing the Lexus jingle, and as they realize what that means the whole family goes running outside to see the new car he/she bought the other for Christmas.

You’ll think I’m jealous.  Well, I’m not.  Nothing would piss me off more than a big item purchase like that with me having no say in the matter.

The first thing that would go through my mind would be, “What the fuck??  How much is THIS payment going to be??  We couldn’t have talk about this first?”

Oh, then let’s assume the answer is something stupid like he saved the money and paid cash.  My next thought would be, “What the fuck??  You had THAT kind of cash, and you spent it on a car?  We couldn’t have talk about this first?”

You see, my own budget is tight, and my husband would have to have saved for, like, 500 years on the allowance I give him (actually, for a $40,000 car, it would only be 38.4615 years), to buy me a car, unless he committed to a car payment without my consent, which might be tantamount to divorce in my book.

But, you say, maybe the people in the commercial are really rich and have no kind of budget restraints (which again pisses me off).  Have you seen the cars in the commercial?  One of them is a hatchback, for shit’s sake.  It’s hideous.  If the car opens up like a hatchback or looks like some sort of SUV-wannabe-but-really-I-look-more-like-a-stupid-minivan, I’m not interested.  Did it occur to you that something as important as a car I might want to pick out myownself?

So I can think of only one scenario where this doesn’t piss me off.

Eldon wins the lottery, but waits to tell me until after he has claimed the cash.

His love for me, deep but misguided, causes him to want to buy me a car.  He shops for the car for me (which I don’t need), parks it in front of the house, ties a big stupid bow on it, and surprises me Christmas morning.  Then, in the middle of my ungrateful rage, he tells me about the lottery winnings, right before I kill him, which saves his little life.

We take the car back, I use the lottery winnings to get the oil changed in my Honda on the way to the airport (and I let them talk me into all the other things they always say it needs, cuz I’m loaded, so give me the works), headed for some tropical island, which is what he should have surprised me with from the start, and we live happily ever after.

Take THAT stupid Lexus people.  A car is not a good gift, unless it is coming out of someone else’s budget.  But a husband to wife?  Thanks, but no thanks.  I’m now $40,000 poorer, through no choice of my own.  Assholes.